I have absolutely loved my job the last few weeks. It’s gotten crazy – we currently have six girls in the home – but the increased opportunities only make me want to be at work more. With six girls comes more drama, increased gang tensions, and in-home crushes. But I love each girl so much. I feel like I’ve had some amazing chances to connect with each of them over the last few weeks, and I know that I’m beyond blessed to be here.
A really scary situation happened on Monday. One of our girls has had an especially rough last month. She’s doing extremely well in our program and in her recovery and is consistently advancing, but certain personal circumstances are keeping her down. Despite repeated abandonment and painful situations throughout her life, she is one of the sweetest, most positive girls you could possibly imagine.
Another client began bullying her over the weekend, and it climaxed on Monday, ending with her running in the evening. Listening to another client yell this girl’s name repeatedly, her voice getting more hoarse and desperate with each scream, was heartbreaking. As I went through the run procedure -- searching the property and finally making a missing persons report -- it was all I could do to keep myself from crying. All I kept thinking was, “God, she can’t throw all of this away. She needs to be here. She’s so loved here.”
About 15 minutes later, she showed back up on our porch, only wanting to talk to me. We sat outside on the van’s hood, and she cried. She talked about how hard it was to be here and how she’d rather spend 10 months in juvenile hall than here. It was evident that her soul was so heavy and pained, and my heart broke for her.
The story ends well. She came back and is committed to staying. All I can do is thank God that she was compelled to return. She was surprised herself, saying, “When I run, I run. I don’t go back.” I know she’s supposed to be here right now, and I’m so excited to see how God works in her life. Seriously, that night and the next day all I wanted to do was hug her because I had been so afraid I would never see her again.
It reminded me to not take any of these girls here for granted. They could be gone in an instant when things get hard. I still miss my personal client who ran over a month ago. Her time here was so short. I’m just thankful for each girl is here. Today.
I’m getting so much more attached to the girls than I would have imagined. I receive so much joy working with them each day. They give me a fair share of grief and frustration as well, but the joy outshines.
It’s crazy to think about how I’ll only be in these girls’ lives for a limited period. After they leave here, I’ll most likely never see any of them again. That thought is so hard for me to comprehend. It forces me to trust that God is bringing these girls in and out of my life for a reason, that His timing is perfect even when it’s difficult for me. These girls are here for exactly as long as they’re supposed to be. He is working in their lives in so many complex ways that we’ll never know.
One circumstance this last week in particular absolutely warmed my heart. One of my personal clients was sharing in an NA meeting and talking about all of the hardships she’s dealing with right now. She then pointed at me and said, “But I have a great counselor who I can talk to about everything. She’s weird and funny, and we can always connect.”
My heart soared. That’s what I want to be able to do with each girl here: Connect. Meet them where they’re at. Show them even the slightest fragment of God’s love.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Let's get personal.
Two landmarks in my job happened this past week.
One: I had my three month Advent birthday on Wednesday. I am a quarter of the way through my one year commitment, and I feel like I have left the realm of “Advent newbie.” I have my three month review with my supervisor and senior counselor this upcoming week.
Two: I also had my first emotional breakdown on the job. I had to leave the room to cry and then put myself back together again. I feel like I had been holding out on this rite of passage for a while, and in a weird way I’m relieved that I finally let myself do that.
I had a very emotional week and felt like I got hit in several areas that I’m not very strong in. When I told a dear friend about this past week, her response was, “It sounds like Satan is hitting you in the areas where you’re more vulnerable. He’s getting you where it’s personal.” I think that pretty much nails it.
The only area that I feel comfortable sharing on here has to do with a very critical aspect of the job. As a resident counselor, I have the challenge of forming a therapeutic relationship with the clients in which we build up trust and form a safe environment for them to share and grow in, while also providing structure, discipline, and consequences for their actions. I’ve had many moments in which I find myself wishing I were a therapist. I would love to just talk with them and at the most have the occasional verbal confrontation in which I challenge a way of thinking or acting. I know that a therapist’s job entails much more than that – don’t get me wrong, mom and dad – but I would love to be able to get into the gritty portions of these girls’ lives through deep conversation without having to worry about how they will react the next morning when they discover that they are on red for the day because I took points for their misbehaviors.
Losing any aspect of a person’s trust is also something that is incredibly hard for me. Naturally, it’s different within this job, as I’m working with clients whose trust in me is constantly in flux, but it’s still hard. I had to make a report to CPS about something one of my clients had disclosed to me two weeks ago, and then this last week I had to inform my caseworker of something else she had told me and in turn her PO was contacted on the matter. This information could potentially affect her current acting family from getting custody of her. It hurt me to have to report it because she loves this family dearly, and it seems as though they’re amazing people with big hearts. From what I know, I really want them to be able to get custody of her. But there are also no secrets in this job for me. This girl was very openly angry at me the last day I was on shift and basically declared that she can’t trust staff anymore.
This was not the way I wanted things to go.
But how much control do I have over the things that happen in this home? I’ve come to realize that it’s not a lot. In NA terms, I am having to acknowledge my powerlessness. I am responsible for my actions and responses, but the rest is up to the other residents. And God. God is in everything here.
God works in such interesting ways. I had one of the most amazing heart-to-hearts with a new client. She has a very intense, sad, scary history. And she’s a very involved gang member. On paper I was rather intimidated by her report. In person, she’s someone I found I could connect pretty deeply with in a matter of just a few days. What’s funny is that the last gang kid who came to Summit also intimidated me on paper, but similarly, I was able to go pretty deeply with her and truly empathize with her. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be able to best connect with the gang kids in the group home. But I am … God, you truly astound me with your ways. Thank you for developing me throughout my life in such a way that this would be the case, even though I had no clue.
His ways are unexpected. But they are beautiful. His path is challenging. But it ultimately forms us. His peace is unexplainable. It is there in even the most painful circumstances.
Thank you for all of your prayers. My love goes out to each of you.
One: I had my three month Advent birthday on Wednesday. I am a quarter of the way through my one year commitment, and I feel like I have left the realm of “Advent newbie.” I have my three month review with my supervisor and senior counselor this upcoming week.
Two: I also had my first emotional breakdown on the job. I had to leave the room to cry and then put myself back together again. I feel like I had been holding out on this rite of passage for a while, and in a weird way I’m relieved that I finally let myself do that.
I had a very emotional week and felt like I got hit in several areas that I’m not very strong in. When I told a dear friend about this past week, her response was, “It sounds like Satan is hitting you in the areas where you’re more vulnerable. He’s getting you where it’s personal.” I think that pretty much nails it.
The only area that I feel comfortable sharing on here has to do with a very critical aspect of the job. As a resident counselor, I have the challenge of forming a therapeutic relationship with the clients in which we build up trust and form a safe environment for them to share and grow in, while also providing structure, discipline, and consequences for their actions. I’ve had many moments in which I find myself wishing I were a therapist. I would love to just talk with them and at the most have the occasional verbal confrontation in which I challenge a way of thinking or acting. I know that a therapist’s job entails much more than that – don’t get me wrong, mom and dad – but I would love to be able to get into the gritty portions of these girls’ lives through deep conversation without having to worry about how they will react the next morning when they discover that they are on red for the day because I took points for their misbehaviors.
Losing any aspect of a person’s trust is also something that is incredibly hard for me. Naturally, it’s different within this job, as I’m working with clients whose trust in me is constantly in flux, but it’s still hard. I had to make a report to CPS about something one of my clients had disclosed to me two weeks ago, and then this last week I had to inform my caseworker of something else she had told me and in turn her PO was contacted on the matter. This information could potentially affect her current acting family from getting custody of her. It hurt me to have to report it because she loves this family dearly, and it seems as though they’re amazing people with big hearts. From what I know, I really want them to be able to get custody of her. But there are also no secrets in this job for me. This girl was very openly angry at me the last day I was on shift and basically declared that she can’t trust staff anymore.
This was not the way I wanted things to go.
But how much control do I have over the things that happen in this home? I’ve come to realize that it’s not a lot. In NA terms, I am having to acknowledge my powerlessness. I am responsible for my actions and responses, but the rest is up to the other residents. And God. God is in everything here.
God works in such interesting ways. I had one of the most amazing heart-to-hearts with a new client. She has a very intense, sad, scary history. And she’s a very involved gang member. On paper I was rather intimidated by her report. In person, she’s someone I found I could connect pretty deeply with in a matter of just a few days. What’s funny is that the last gang kid who came to Summit also intimidated me on paper, but similarly, I was able to go pretty deeply with her and truly empathize with her. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be able to best connect with the gang kids in the group home. But I am … God, you truly astound me with your ways. Thank you for developing me throughout my life in such a way that this would be the case, even though I had no clue.
His ways are unexpected. But they are beautiful. His path is challenging. But it ultimately forms us. His peace is unexplainable. It is there in even the most painful circumstances.
Thank you for all of your prayers. My love goes out to each of you.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Bring Darkness to Light
I experienced my first run this week.
This last shift was filled with amazing highs and devastating lows. I saw God work a miracle in a girl’s life and experienced the fullest joy I’ve felt here yet. I also watched a matter of secrecy come to light, ultimately resulting in a police investigation and a girl running. All the while, these spiritual urgings and experiences served as a thread, reminding me of what we’re fully dealing with – nothing is simply on the surface.
My heart was broken for the girl who ran. She and I had been building a solid relationship in her short time here, and my heart went out to her in a way slightly different than with the other girls, probably because I could relate to a few distinct aspects of her story. She was able to come to me with a good amount of stuff, even things she was dealing with in the moment, and was the only girl to thank me for talking with her about certain things.
The morning before she ran she had to stay home from school because of the previous evening’s happenings, and when I told her the staff member who would be staying at the house with her, her response was “But Karin, can’t you stay with me?” And my response was honest when I told her that I wish I could have. I truly enjoyed her company.
The girls, the senior counselor, and I went to dinner at Taco Bell Wednesday night. This girl was particularly somber, and as I was trying to talk with her, I sensed how disengaged she was. The two of us sat down at a table, and she counted out how much personal money she had. She then looked up and looked me in the eye. “Karin, I’m leaving” was all she said and then she stood up and walked out the door before breaking into a run.
Her voice, that apology, will forever be imprinted in my memory. Her mind was made up, but I also sensed that she knew this decision would give her regrets in time. The road isn’t easier for her because of this immediate out, and I only wish she hadn’t chosen something that will hurt her. I hate not knowing where she is right now, if she’s safe, if she’s eaten a full meal today, if she had a comfortable place to sleep last night. I hate that I might never see her again. But I know that she’s God’s child, and He knows all of these details. He loves her infinitely more than I ever could, and I just have to give her life over to Him. He holds the pen to her story.
This work is a spiritual battlefield. I forget it so often because there are obvious reasons why these kids are here. Drugs. Abuse. Gang involvement. I forget to acknowledge that so many of them are literally sitting on a spiritual teeter totter: Their lives could go either way. They could embrace light and take on a life free from dangerous inhibitors. They could find real freedom and God. Or they could return to a life focused on themselves and their perceived needs – needs that ultimately limit and hurt them.
I was reminded of this throughout this last week. I consider myself to be fairly spiritually sensitive, especially to darkness. And I felt a lot of this during the last shift, especially with one girl. This might sound really extreme, but I think that the involvement of both God and of darkness is written all over her story.
One of my favorite verses has always been Job 12:22 : “He uncovers the deep out of darkness and brings deep darkness to life.”
God, I pray that you would do that with these girls – bring their deep darkness to light and then surround them with your truth and love. Use the Advent staff in ways beyond what we could ever imagine.
This last shift was filled with amazing highs and devastating lows. I saw God work a miracle in a girl’s life and experienced the fullest joy I’ve felt here yet. I also watched a matter of secrecy come to light, ultimately resulting in a police investigation and a girl running. All the while, these spiritual urgings and experiences served as a thread, reminding me of what we’re fully dealing with – nothing is simply on the surface.
My heart was broken for the girl who ran. She and I had been building a solid relationship in her short time here, and my heart went out to her in a way slightly different than with the other girls, probably because I could relate to a few distinct aspects of her story. She was able to come to me with a good amount of stuff, even things she was dealing with in the moment, and was the only girl to thank me for talking with her about certain things.
The morning before she ran she had to stay home from school because of the previous evening’s happenings, and when I told her the staff member who would be staying at the house with her, her response was “But Karin, can’t you stay with me?” And my response was honest when I told her that I wish I could have. I truly enjoyed her company.
The girls, the senior counselor, and I went to dinner at Taco Bell Wednesday night. This girl was particularly somber, and as I was trying to talk with her, I sensed how disengaged she was. The two of us sat down at a table, and she counted out how much personal money she had. She then looked up and looked me in the eye. “Karin, I’m leaving” was all she said and then she stood up and walked out the door before breaking into a run.
Her voice, that apology, will forever be imprinted in my memory. Her mind was made up, but I also sensed that she knew this decision would give her regrets in time. The road isn’t easier for her because of this immediate out, and I only wish she hadn’t chosen something that will hurt her. I hate not knowing where she is right now, if she’s safe, if she’s eaten a full meal today, if she had a comfortable place to sleep last night. I hate that I might never see her again. But I know that she’s God’s child, and He knows all of these details. He loves her infinitely more than I ever could, and I just have to give her life over to Him. He holds the pen to her story.
This work is a spiritual battlefield. I forget it so often because there are obvious reasons why these kids are here. Drugs. Abuse. Gang involvement. I forget to acknowledge that so many of them are literally sitting on a spiritual teeter totter: Their lives could go either way. They could embrace light and take on a life free from dangerous inhibitors. They could find real freedom and God. Or they could return to a life focused on themselves and their perceived needs – needs that ultimately limit and hurt them.
I was reminded of this throughout this last week. I consider myself to be fairly spiritually sensitive, especially to darkness. And I felt a lot of this during the last shift, especially with one girl. This might sound really extreme, but I think that the involvement of both God and of darkness is written all over her story.
One of my favorite verses has always been Job 12:22 : “He uncovers the deep out of darkness and brings deep darkness to life.”
God, I pray that you would do that with these girls – bring their deep darkness to light and then surround them with your truth and love. Use the Advent staff in ways beyond what we could ever imagine.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tear Them Down
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted. And what a crazy few weeks it’s been. A girl was discharged for starting a fight. Another came out with her pregnancy. We got two new girls. I almost had a plate thrown at me on Wednesday — unfortunately, the poor phone and wall didn’t luck out like I did. In any case, the last two weeks were extremely stressful for me for various reasons.
In a way, I’m glad I didn’t blog last weekend because I wasn’t in a place to. I came off my shift last week absolutely exhausted and not wanting to be real with myself because I knew that would be even more exhausting. Walls can be tough to put up, but once you get good at doing that, it’s even tougher to pull them down. And that’s the process I’m currently working on.
Tearing down those walls.
Being raw.
It’s difficult to find that balance between allowing yourself to feel pain as well as protecting yourself. I’m working on it. Please pray for me in this area especially. Walls in the Bible have a tendency of being breached or demolished. I truly believe I can serve God better without mine.
These girls are teaching me so much. They are all such beautiful people, and I love hearing their stories and seeing bits of their hearts. I so cherish the moments when they’re vulnerable and open, whether it’s about abuse they’ve experienced, gang life and wanting to return to it, or even just missing someone in their lives. These girls are young. They’ve been through so much that I think I forget that sometimes. But I’m 22 and I know I miss my mom. How much more do they?
It’s not the sort of job in which you receive a lot of appreciation. It shows in the little things every day, and I try not to take those things for granted. But this last week one of the girls gave me this simple compliment during house group: “Karin, I compliment you on putting up with so much of our shit this week. And I encourage you to stay strong.”
It was a hard week, but to have just one of the girls recognize that too was all I needed to keep going.
I have no idea what to expect from this upcoming week.
But this isn’t exactly a job that you can prepare yourself for on a weekly basis now, is it? You have to be okay with not knowing.
In that sense, maybe you can prepare yourself – you can put that uncertainty in God’s hands. You can trust that He holds each day, each girl, each hurt, each word uttered in His weathered, perfect, holy hands. I’m not perfect at this by any means, but weeks like this last one don’t give me any other choice. And I want to become better at even trusting Him during the easiest of easy days.
Please pray for my house right now. We’re going through a lot of transition, and I pray that it will be for the best in the end. God has a purpose for everything.
In a way, I’m glad I didn’t blog last weekend because I wasn’t in a place to. I came off my shift last week absolutely exhausted and not wanting to be real with myself because I knew that would be even more exhausting. Walls can be tough to put up, but once you get good at doing that, it’s even tougher to pull them down. And that’s the process I’m currently working on.
Tearing down those walls.
Being raw.
It’s difficult to find that balance between allowing yourself to feel pain as well as protecting yourself. I’m working on it. Please pray for me in this area especially. Walls in the Bible have a tendency of being breached or demolished. I truly believe I can serve God better without mine.
These girls are teaching me so much. They are all such beautiful people, and I love hearing their stories and seeing bits of their hearts. I so cherish the moments when they’re vulnerable and open, whether it’s about abuse they’ve experienced, gang life and wanting to return to it, or even just missing someone in their lives. These girls are young. They’ve been through so much that I think I forget that sometimes. But I’m 22 and I know I miss my mom. How much more do they?
It’s not the sort of job in which you receive a lot of appreciation. It shows in the little things every day, and I try not to take those things for granted. But this last week one of the girls gave me this simple compliment during house group: “Karin, I compliment you on putting up with so much of our shit this week. And I encourage you to stay strong.”
It was a hard week, but to have just one of the girls recognize that too was all I needed to keep going.
I have no idea what to expect from this upcoming week.
But this isn’t exactly a job that you can prepare yourself for on a weekly basis now, is it? You have to be okay with not knowing.
In that sense, maybe you can prepare yourself – you can put that uncertainty in God’s hands. You can trust that He holds each day, each girl, each hurt, each word uttered in His weathered, perfect, holy hands. I’m not perfect at this by any means, but weeks like this last one don’t give me any other choice. And I want to become better at even trusting Him during the easiest of easy days.
Please pray for my house right now. We’re going through a lot of transition, and I pray that it will be for the best in the end. God has a purpose for everything.
Friday, September 3, 2010
A love that doesn't stop.
I went to Santa Cruz today with two friends from work, Mary and Jason, and our discussion over gyros turned into sharing our testimonies. I was telling them about how my faith did a 180 about two and a half years ago. God was the most openly evident in His love and faithfulness to me at the time when I deserved it the least, when I was not living like I should have been. Regardless of what I was doing, He was still relentless in His love for me and came alongside me and my pain. I was finally able to see that His love for me was not dependant on what I did or didn’t do. He loved me with perfect love always because He is God. When I finished telling them this, Mary replied, “And that’s basically what our job is.”
It’s only taken me a month and a half to see this.
Unconditional love is so crazy and so beautiful to me. I’ve only just begun to accept what that looks like coming from God. As people, we are obviously not capable of unconditional love, but we can try to get as close to it as possible and let God fill in the rest.
I came off of a very crazy week. Monday consisted of waking up to one girl throwing up before school, writing an incident report about misused medications, making a report to Child Protection Services about an unreported case of abuse, and having a new girl arrive. And that was just Monday. Tuesday consisted of a girl getting so mad at a decision I made that she literally yelled at me for minutes – best cuss-out session I’ve received yet – and then threatened to relapse because of me. That was also the day that a girl interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me exactly how ugly I was. I could go on, but I think you get the picture: This was not my most pleasant week.
But you know what? I left my shift still very much loving each girl and having their individual situations on my heart during this break. Either I’m crazy or God has a hold on my heart … I’m definitely going with option two.
This job is draining, but it is so worth it and is rocking my world and how I see things. Having a girl open up to you and tell you about how her gang involvement started at the age of 8 will do that to you. Having a girl re-processing a rape with you will do that as well. Having a new girl arrive, excited to not be locked up like she was for the past two months in the hall also will.
These girls are touching my life in so many ways, and I only pray that I can do the same for them. I’ve seen how my heart has changed since God showed me how much I am worth and how His love for me is fully unconditional. I know He can do the same for each of them.
It’s only taken me a month and a half to see this.
Unconditional love is so crazy and so beautiful to me. I’ve only just begun to accept what that looks like coming from God. As people, we are obviously not capable of unconditional love, but we can try to get as close to it as possible and let God fill in the rest.
I came off of a very crazy week. Monday consisted of waking up to one girl throwing up before school, writing an incident report about misused medications, making a report to Child Protection Services about an unreported case of abuse, and having a new girl arrive. And that was just Monday. Tuesday consisted of a girl getting so mad at a decision I made that she literally yelled at me for minutes – best cuss-out session I’ve received yet – and then threatened to relapse because of me. That was also the day that a girl interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me exactly how ugly I was. I could go on, but I think you get the picture: This was not my most pleasant week.
But you know what? I left my shift still very much loving each girl and having their individual situations on my heart during this break. Either I’m crazy or God has a hold on my heart … I’m definitely going with option two.
This job is draining, but it is so worth it and is rocking my world and how I see things. Having a girl open up to you and tell you about how her gang involvement started at the age of 8 will do that to you. Having a girl re-processing a rape with you will do that as well. Having a new girl arrive, excited to not be locked up like she was for the past two months in the hall also will.
These girls are touching my life in so many ways, and I only pray that I can do the same for them. I’ve seen how my heart has changed since God showed me how much I am worth and how His love for me is fully unconditional. I know He can do the same for each of them.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Unmapped eyes.
“You’re looking for the ocean, honey; there is a river in you. It’s deep in your eyes.”
This song has permeated my life since I moved up here. It speaks so much to me – more than I could probably help any of you to understand – but I will try to crack open the window a little for you.
This Jon Foreman song came on my ipod’s shuffle my second day of living in Morgan Hill, and I realized I had never heard it before. And then it made me cry. And now I can’t stop listening to it.
I have a wandering soul. Newness invigorates me. I like shifts in perspective, both literally and figuratively. I like striving to see more.
How this affects my daily life: In this hour that I’ve been at Starbucks I’ve already moved seats once. Not because of anything practical, but just because I wanted to see my settings from a different views. Things just look different and feel different from various angles. My first seat was out in the open, and I felt a part of the interactions happening around me, in the midst of a bustling coffee shop that is a middle point in people’s hectic lives. Now I’m tucked into a corner, and I feel like I can just observe what is happening around me. It’s more peaceful. And honestly, I’ll probably move seats once more before I leave. That’s just how I am.
How this affects me long term: I leap at the opportunities that put you into very different, faraway (both literally and figuratively) settings. We can learn so much from that which is different from us.
I’m a seeker. I’m always looking for enlightenment, looking for truth, looking for inspiration, looking for something more. I try to see God’s hand in everything. Let me tell you, this particular lens that I put on two years ago changed everything. The world has so much more purpose when you search for God’s fingerprints.
I am also an ardent searcher of myself. I value self awareness so much, and I think that this aspect of myself is what tips me over to an introvert at times. I have to take time out of each week to just sit and think and journal and be. It’s how I center myself and how I find peace. But this can sometimes this can lead to perfectionism. When you have had certain life experiences and been given certain revelations, I think you have a responsibility to bring these into your life and interactions.
God spoke to me through this song. I don’t need to be caught up with searching for the ocean when I have a river embedded in me. Oh, I know I have so much more that I can learn in life and in this job. God has given me curiosity and the desire for more for a reason. And it’s something that I know cannot be satiated in this lifetime. But God has also given me more than what I need for now. In that I can rest. I don’t need to lose myself in a search. In this case, I already have what I’m looking for.
And you know what? I believe with all my heart that these girls have a river deep in their eyes too. I’ve seen glimpses of it. I pray that God can help them see it too.
This song has permeated my life since I moved up here. It speaks so much to me – more than I could probably help any of you to understand – but I will try to crack open the window a little for you.
This Jon Foreman song came on my ipod’s shuffle my second day of living in Morgan Hill, and I realized I had never heard it before. And then it made me cry. And now I can’t stop listening to it.
I have a wandering soul. Newness invigorates me. I like shifts in perspective, both literally and figuratively. I like striving to see more.
How this affects my daily life: In this hour that I’ve been at Starbucks I’ve already moved seats once. Not because of anything practical, but just because I wanted to see my settings from a different views. Things just look different and feel different from various angles. My first seat was out in the open, and I felt a part of the interactions happening around me, in the midst of a bustling coffee shop that is a middle point in people’s hectic lives. Now I’m tucked into a corner, and I feel like I can just observe what is happening around me. It’s more peaceful. And honestly, I’ll probably move seats once more before I leave. That’s just how I am.
How this affects me long term: I leap at the opportunities that put you into very different, faraway (both literally and figuratively) settings. We can learn so much from that which is different from us.
I’m a seeker. I’m always looking for enlightenment, looking for truth, looking for inspiration, looking for something more. I try to see God’s hand in everything. Let me tell you, this particular lens that I put on two years ago changed everything. The world has so much more purpose when you search for God’s fingerprints.
I am also an ardent searcher of myself. I value self awareness so much, and I think that this aspect of myself is what tips me over to an introvert at times. I have to take time out of each week to just sit and think and journal and be. It’s how I center myself and how I find peace. But this can sometimes this can lead to perfectionism. When you have had certain life experiences and been given certain revelations, I think you have a responsibility to bring these into your life and interactions.
God spoke to me through this song. I don’t need to be caught up with searching for the ocean when I have a river embedded in me. Oh, I know I have so much more that I can learn in life and in this job. God has given me curiosity and the desire for more for a reason. And it’s something that I know cannot be satiated in this lifetime. But God has also given me more than what I need for now. In that I can rest. I don’t need to lose myself in a search. In this case, I already have what I’m looking for.
And you know what? I believe with all my heart that these girls have a river deep in their eyes too. I’ve seen glimpses of it. I pray that God can help them see it too.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Trust.
Those of you who know me well probably know that I don’t like to admit when something is difficult for me. I have a tendency to suck it up, deal with the ensuing stress, and only ask for help in the most dire of circumstances. But I would be ridiculous to try and sugar coat this.
This job is hard.
I’m still very convinced that this is where God wants me to be this year. That isn’t diminished in this admission. But I am accepting that I have so many things to learn and become better at, and the road will probably be very stressful at times.
Over the past several weeks various staff I’ve worked with have reiterated a single concept to me: You don’t ever stop learning at this job, no matter how long you work here. I won’t lie, this is immediately intimidating to me because I feel like I have so many of the basics left to cement, and the idea that eventually I’ll have everything down pact is comforting. But there will always more to learn. And it’s worth it. The bigger part of me is invigorated by this. Remember, this is coming from the girl who loves school.
These past few weeks have been fun but stressful, interesting but sometimes frustrating. I spent the last two weeks in my position as a resident counselor, sans training or shadowing. Those two weeks were also summer break, meaning that the schedule was very different. The girls and staff got to do many different, fun activities. I got to go lazer tagging with two girls and then joined a full staff and all four girls on a mini trip up to Lake of the Pines for two nights for boating and relaxation and then spent a day at Raging Waters in Sacramento. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed seeing the girls out of their regular setting. I loved seeing them truly enjoy themselves at times.
Now we’re back to the school schedule, and today was their first day back. I had a heck of a time getting them out the door, and the “F you’s” and “F school’s” were flying. In the end, they were half an hour late. All to say that it was an interesting transition from this weekend.
I went home from Thursday to Sunday to see Breanne, one of my best friends, get married. I had such a great time with my friends, family, and boyfriend, but it was hard. I feel like I got to experience what every weekend could have been like if I had stayed down south this year. I won’t lie, that hurt for many reasons.
Olive Crest, a nonprofit in Santa Ana fairly similar to Advent, was all but offering me a position before I accepted my current job. If you were to ask me why I made the choice I did, I honestly couldn’t give you many concrete reasons. In fact, if I had gone by my personal pros and cons list, I probably would have stayed down south. But I knew that I was called to Advent. And I stand by that. God had captured my heart with this particular organization. He doesn’t make mistakes.
I was reading Habakkuk last night – random, I know – and was so struck. The book begins with the prophet Habakkuk crying out to God about all of the injustice in the world, wondering why God was seemingly remaining idle. God’s response: “For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.” Wow … Wow. It really took me aback, and honestly, when I think about it right now, it still does. I believe that what He said to Habakkuk is still true now. If we knew all that God was doing in us and around us and through us, we couldn’t possibly believe it. We don’t have that kind of sight.
In the midst of pain, of stress, of frustration, there is God. In the midst of learning, there is God. In every moment, in every breath, there is God. In tears and in laughter, there is God. There is God, who is doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.
This job is hard.
I’m still very convinced that this is where God wants me to be this year. That isn’t diminished in this admission. But I am accepting that I have so many things to learn and become better at, and the road will probably be very stressful at times.
Over the past several weeks various staff I’ve worked with have reiterated a single concept to me: You don’t ever stop learning at this job, no matter how long you work here. I won’t lie, this is immediately intimidating to me because I feel like I have so many of the basics left to cement, and the idea that eventually I’ll have everything down pact is comforting. But there will always more to learn. And it’s worth it. The bigger part of me is invigorated by this. Remember, this is coming from the girl who loves school.
These past few weeks have been fun but stressful, interesting but sometimes frustrating. I spent the last two weeks in my position as a resident counselor, sans training or shadowing. Those two weeks were also summer break, meaning that the schedule was very different. The girls and staff got to do many different, fun activities. I got to go lazer tagging with two girls and then joined a full staff and all four girls on a mini trip up to Lake of the Pines for two nights for boating and relaxation and then spent a day at Raging Waters in Sacramento. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed seeing the girls out of their regular setting. I loved seeing them truly enjoy themselves at times.
Now we’re back to the school schedule, and today was their first day back. I had a heck of a time getting them out the door, and the “F you’s” and “F school’s” were flying. In the end, they were half an hour late. All to say that it was an interesting transition from this weekend.
I went home from Thursday to Sunday to see Breanne, one of my best friends, get married. I had such a great time with my friends, family, and boyfriend, but it was hard. I feel like I got to experience what every weekend could have been like if I had stayed down south this year. I won’t lie, that hurt for many reasons.
Olive Crest, a nonprofit in Santa Ana fairly similar to Advent, was all but offering me a position before I accepted my current job. If you were to ask me why I made the choice I did, I honestly couldn’t give you many concrete reasons. In fact, if I had gone by my personal pros and cons list, I probably would have stayed down south. But I knew that I was called to Advent. And I stand by that. God had captured my heart with this particular organization. He doesn’t make mistakes.
I was reading Habakkuk last night – random, I know – and was so struck. The book begins with the prophet Habakkuk crying out to God about all of the injustice in the world, wondering why God was seemingly remaining idle. God’s response: “For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.” Wow … Wow. It really took me aback, and honestly, when I think about it right now, it still does. I believe that what He said to Habakkuk is still true now. If we knew all that God was doing in us and around us and through us, we couldn’t possibly believe it. We don’t have that kind of sight.
In the midst of pain, of stress, of frustration, there is God. In the midst of learning, there is God. In every moment, in every breath, there is God. In tears and in laughter, there is God. There is God, who is doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
There Are No Mistakes.
1) The girls have already absolutely stolen my heart.
2) I’ve learned a lot about myself these past two weeks. (And this process will continue, I’m sure.)
3) It’s going to be a challenging year.
Yesterday ended my initial training. Beginning Sunday, I will be acting as a residential counselor on my own. I’m so excited to fully step into that role. I’m also very well aware that these girls will likely do all that they can to pull the wool over my eyes. One of the most frustrating parts of the job for me is that I can’t fully trust any of the girls’ word. I’ve learned which ones are generally more reliable than others and begun to pick up on the areas that certain girls lie about on a regular basis. It’s made me appreciate the people in my life who I can trust all the more – the ones who will tell you how it really is, regardless of any implications.
Overall, it was an amazing shift. I think the girls are beginning to trust me even just a little bit. They show it subtle ways. One extremely independent girl asked me to french braid her hair for her. A girl read six or seven raps to me that she had written herself. One girl who was trying to put on an act finally admitted the truth to me because “I acted like I really cared.” Another showed me a page of her diary that she said no one had ever seen before.
Those moments when they open their hearts to me just a tiny bit make the very long, sometimes stressful days very, very worth it. I close each evening by going to each of the girls rooms to say goodnight and pray with those who will let me. How can that not give me the energy to wake up the next morning for the next long day? It’s more than worth it. Praying with them also reminds me of why I am ultimately doing this job. It’s about more than their drug addictions. Much, much more. At the end of the day, it’s their hearts I’m concerned about.
I definitely had several moments this last week in which I wished little bits of me could be different for this job. I wished I weren’t white. I wished I personally knew what it was like to fight a substance addiction. I wished I had a louder personality. But every time I was reminded that I am who God made me to be. God didn’t want someone else to have this job. He chose me. All of me. Not just the parts that made me capable. There are no mistakes.
I know the same is true of the girls I work with. It’s not a mistake that some were born to parents who use. It’s not even a mistake that some have been abused. It’s a tragedy, an absolute tragedy. Those things break my heart, and I know God’s tears were filled with more sadness than any of ours. But they weren’t mistakes. God can use even those horrible, horrible things in their lives. I know that’s hard to believe now, but I believe that with all of my heart.
Please pray for my girls. They’re all such beautiful people. And please pray for me. My R.C. job begins with a bang on Sunday – I have 14 hours alone with the girls. Please pray for that time.
2) I’ve learned a lot about myself these past two weeks. (And this process will continue, I’m sure.)
3) It’s going to be a challenging year.
Yesterday ended my initial training. Beginning Sunday, I will be acting as a residential counselor on my own. I’m so excited to fully step into that role. I’m also very well aware that these girls will likely do all that they can to pull the wool over my eyes. One of the most frustrating parts of the job for me is that I can’t fully trust any of the girls’ word. I’ve learned which ones are generally more reliable than others and begun to pick up on the areas that certain girls lie about on a regular basis. It’s made me appreciate the people in my life who I can trust all the more – the ones who will tell you how it really is, regardless of any implications.
Overall, it was an amazing shift. I think the girls are beginning to trust me even just a little bit. They show it subtle ways. One extremely independent girl asked me to french braid her hair for her. A girl read six or seven raps to me that she had written herself. One girl who was trying to put on an act finally admitted the truth to me because “I acted like I really cared.” Another showed me a page of her diary that she said no one had ever seen before.
Those moments when they open their hearts to me just a tiny bit make the very long, sometimes stressful days very, very worth it. I close each evening by going to each of the girls rooms to say goodnight and pray with those who will let me. How can that not give me the energy to wake up the next morning for the next long day? It’s more than worth it. Praying with them also reminds me of why I am ultimately doing this job. It’s about more than their drug addictions. Much, much more. At the end of the day, it’s their hearts I’m concerned about.
I definitely had several moments this last week in which I wished little bits of me could be different for this job. I wished I weren’t white. I wished I personally knew what it was like to fight a substance addiction. I wished I had a louder personality. But every time I was reminded that I am who God made me to be. God didn’t want someone else to have this job. He chose me. All of me. Not just the parts that made me capable. There are no mistakes.
I know the same is true of the girls I work with. It’s not a mistake that some were born to parents who use. It’s not even a mistake that some have been abused. It’s a tragedy, an absolute tragedy. Those things break my heart, and I know God’s tears were filled with more sadness than any of ours. But they weren’t mistakes. God can use even those horrible, horrible things in their lives. I know that’s hard to believe now, but I believe that with all of my heart.
Please pray for my girls. They’re all such beautiful people. And please pray for me. My R.C. job begins with a bang on Sunday – I have 14 hours alone with the girls. Please pray for that time.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Break my heart for what breaks Yours.
I’m learning what real days off look like. And they’re beautiful. I was so busy in college that when I wasn’t in classes I was always in meetings or tutoring or writing or studying. And the little time that wasn’t spent stressing over one thing or another was devoted to the special people in my life. In other words, I might as well have been a fish … I forgot to breathe.
Dr. Lunde – one of the most amazing professors I had at Biola – once talked about the concept of “grace breaths.” He described them as the act of taking the time to slow down and breathe and be thankful to God for something as simple as that. In breathing, you could thank God for life, for love, for the grace He has given us. We should all be allowed to do that, even if only once a day for 30 seconds. I forget this often. But when I remember, my view on where I am radically changes.
My days off last week were filled with non-stop grace breaths. I thanked God and re-thanked Him and re-thanked Him. And I prayed to Him too about many, many things. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I worked all day – usually 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. with a few hours off in the early afternoon. Needless to say, my fish-like capacities kicked in. But my breaks on those days were focused around grace breaths. That crucial time I spent re-centering each day is what gave me the ability to go back on shift, full of energy and with the right motivation for what I was doing.
I worked 54 hours in just four days. That is what every week for this next year will look like. Holy crap. But you know what? I have the blessing of being able to go through full days with these girls. I’ll be waking them up in the mornings and saying goodnight to them and praying with them in their rooms before they (hopefully) go to sleep. In that sense, this job swallows the typical 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. job and becomes a lifestyle, not just a job.
It was an insightful, information-packed, tough, discouraging, enlightening, uplifting week. I shadowed the senior counselor Bree this week, which basically meant that I watched her to do my job. I spent a lot of time with the girls trying to get to a feel for them. I got asked a lot of questions. Have you done drugs? Are you a virgin? What’s your favorite type of alcohol? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you bi? Have you smoked pot?
I also had a lot of anger directed at me. These girls have all been hurt very deeply and as a result are very hardened. I’m a new person who they can’t trust, and they know I’m going to have a level of control over their lives and enforce rules that they already feel controlled by. They’re very clearly trying to feel me out. And a lot of this was done through testing me and very clearly expressing that they don’t want me there.
As Dr. Eastman from NOVA Academy – the charter high school in Santa Ana I volunteered in this last year that works with at-risk youth – told me, “Sometimes people go into those jobs expecting it to be like a slumber party with hair-braiding and heart-to-heart talks when it’s more like, “Who the hell are you?! Get the F out of my face!”
I believed him then, and if there had been any skeptics, they were proven wrong this last week. Getting to know these girls is going to take a long time, and I’m okay with that. And getting cussed out happens many, many times a day with this job, I’ve learned. But when you can guess what’s behind the cussing out, it’s really not that bad or personally hurtful. Rather, it breaks my heart. Their anger is loaded with all of the pain and crap that they have been through. And even though it’s directed at me or at another staff member, I know it has nothing to do with us. But it has everything to do with the things that made them turn toward drug addiction.
I found immense joy in the little things this week. Making a girl smile. A talk about a girl’s past love. A game of Apples to Apples. An apology. A girl deciding not to run. Giving out honest compliments freely. Learning how to smile and keep going when insulted. A hug. Many games of Skip-bo. Recognizing that polite niceties won’t work here – I need to mean every word I say. Attending NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings with the girls, and seeing lives that have changed and being able to pray for those still burdened. A training seminar that couldn’t have had better timing.
I’m working Saturday and then Monday through Wednesday this next week, and now it’s my turn to be shadowed by Bree. Although it’s a bit intimidating, I’m also excited to fully jump in and learn and learn and learn. I have an amazing supervisor (Alex) and senior counselor to learn from. I’m also ready to feel deeply. The lyrics “Break my heart for what breaks Yours” have come to my mind many times these past few days, particularly at an NA meeting I attended last night.
I never want this job to become about the surface of my interactions with these girls or about how our interactions/relationships make me feel. Instead, I want my interactions to be what they need and what can best help them with where they’re at. I think that a lot of that will involve selflessness and love and consistency on my part in the face of a lot of opposition that they put up. And I think that can best be done with a broken and filled heart.
I’m praying for God to give me the strength to be broken and then to fill me with His love.
Dr. Lunde – one of the most amazing professors I had at Biola – once talked about the concept of “grace breaths.” He described them as the act of taking the time to slow down and breathe and be thankful to God for something as simple as that. In breathing, you could thank God for life, for love, for the grace He has given us. We should all be allowed to do that, even if only once a day for 30 seconds. I forget this often. But when I remember, my view on where I am radically changes.
My days off last week were filled with non-stop grace breaths. I thanked God and re-thanked Him and re-thanked Him. And I prayed to Him too about many, many things. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I worked all day – usually 7 a.m. to 11 a.m. with a few hours off in the early afternoon. Needless to say, my fish-like capacities kicked in. But my breaks on those days were focused around grace breaths. That crucial time I spent re-centering each day is what gave me the ability to go back on shift, full of energy and with the right motivation for what I was doing.
I worked 54 hours in just four days. That is what every week for this next year will look like. Holy crap. But you know what? I have the blessing of being able to go through full days with these girls. I’ll be waking them up in the mornings and saying goodnight to them and praying with them in their rooms before they (hopefully) go to sleep. In that sense, this job swallows the typical 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. job and becomes a lifestyle, not just a job.
It was an insightful, information-packed, tough, discouraging, enlightening, uplifting week. I shadowed the senior counselor Bree this week, which basically meant that I watched her to do my job. I spent a lot of time with the girls trying to get to a feel for them. I got asked a lot of questions. Have you done drugs? Are you a virgin? What’s your favorite type of alcohol? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you bi? Have you smoked pot?
I also had a lot of anger directed at me. These girls have all been hurt very deeply and as a result are very hardened. I’m a new person who they can’t trust, and they know I’m going to have a level of control over their lives and enforce rules that they already feel controlled by. They’re very clearly trying to feel me out. And a lot of this was done through testing me and very clearly expressing that they don’t want me there.
As Dr. Eastman from NOVA Academy – the charter high school in Santa Ana I volunteered in this last year that works with at-risk youth – told me, “Sometimes people go into those jobs expecting it to be like a slumber party with hair-braiding and heart-to-heart talks when it’s more like, “Who the hell are you?! Get the F out of my face!”
I believed him then, and if there had been any skeptics, they were proven wrong this last week. Getting to know these girls is going to take a long time, and I’m okay with that. And getting cussed out happens many, many times a day with this job, I’ve learned. But when you can guess what’s behind the cussing out, it’s really not that bad or personally hurtful. Rather, it breaks my heart. Their anger is loaded with all of the pain and crap that they have been through. And even though it’s directed at me or at another staff member, I know it has nothing to do with us. But it has everything to do with the things that made them turn toward drug addiction.
I found immense joy in the little things this week. Making a girl smile. A talk about a girl’s past love. A game of Apples to Apples. An apology. A girl deciding not to run. Giving out honest compliments freely. Learning how to smile and keep going when insulted. A hug. Many games of Skip-bo. Recognizing that polite niceties won’t work here – I need to mean every word I say. Attending NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings with the girls, and seeing lives that have changed and being able to pray for those still burdened. A training seminar that couldn’t have had better timing.
I’m working Saturday and then Monday through Wednesday this next week, and now it’s my turn to be shadowed by Bree. Although it’s a bit intimidating, I’m also excited to fully jump in and learn and learn and learn. I have an amazing supervisor (Alex) and senior counselor to learn from. I’m also ready to feel deeply. The lyrics “Break my heart for what breaks Yours” have come to my mind many times these past few days, particularly at an NA meeting I attended last night.
I never want this job to become about the surface of my interactions with these girls or about how our interactions/relationships make me feel. Instead, I want my interactions to be what they need and what can best help them with where they’re at. I think that a lot of that will involve selflessness and love and consistency on my part in the face of a lot of opposition that they put up. And I think that can best be done with a broken and filled heart.
I’m praying for God to give me the strength to be broken and then to fill me with His love.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
A Start
Ephesians 3:17-20 has been my life passage for the last few years. It talks about being “rooted and grounded in love” and knowing the love of Christ, which surpasses all knowledge. This picture of love is so beautiful, so vast, and so wildly unknown. But I think that I will learn so much more about this type of love during this next year. It’s what I think I will need to truly help these girls.
I met them for the first time briefly yesterday and then spent more time with them today, and I already feel so strongly for them. I want so badly for them to grow, to overcome their struggles, and to discover wisdom and truth. The small victories today were so joyful, and their areas of pain or refusal definitely stung. The girls already have my heart.
I had orientation this morning, which consisted of paperwork and introductions to the program. I was then able to sit in on the weekly casing at my house, in which the residential staff meets with the caseworkers and addiction counselors to discuss each girl’s progress or hindrance. If any of the girls have petitioned to move up a phase in the program, that is also discussed and voted on, along with any overall issues. It was extremely interesting to sit in on, and I think I’m going to really look forward to that every week. We then had a house meeting with the girls, got dinner, and then just got to spend some time together. I got some basic training from the house supervisor, and this next week I will be shadowing the assistant supervisor.
I’m so looking forward to this time of learning. I already feel like I’m on information overload, and although I think this feeling will continue for months and months, I’m excited that I’ll be working a job in which I’ll always be learning more. There are just so many small things to take into consideration in this setting. For instance, the girls cannot handle any chemicals, including cleaners like windex. When their chores require cleaning surfaces, one of the staff members has to squirt and hold the container at all times. The girls cannot keep items like razors or scissors with them, so they have to check those items out from us. Every action of theirs can earn them positive or negative points, which affect their ability to move up a phase. There is a lot of protocol that I have to learn all about.
Although I did get opportunities to talk with the clients today, a lot of my day was spent watching the staff interact with them. I feel so blessed that I’m going to get to know these girls and spend day after day with them, supporting them and encouraging them to grow. I look forward to sharing in those small (and large) victories and also trying to ease their pain and refusals. I know that some days will be rough. But despite where any of these girls are coming from, it’s so clear to me that they have so much love to offer.
Goal for the Year: To find selfless, boundless love within myself and through my Savior and pour it on thick.
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