“You’re looking for the ocean, honey; there is a river in you. It’s deep in your eyes.”
This song has permeated my life since I moved up here. It speaks so much to me – more than I could probably help any of you to understand – but I will try to crack open the window a little for you.
This Jon Foreman song came on my ipod’s shuffle my second day of living in Morgan Hill, and I realized I had never heard it before. And then it made me cry. And now I can’t stop listening to it.
I have a wandering soul. Newness invigorates me. I like shifts in perspective, both literally and figuratively. I like striving to see more.
How this affects my daily life: In this hour that I’ve been at Starbucks I’ve already moved seats once. Not because of anything practical, but just because I wanted to see my settings from a different views. Things just look different and feel different from various angles. My first seat was out in the open, and I felt a part of the interactions happening around me, in the midst of a bustling coffee shop that is a middle point in people’s hectic lives. Now I’m tucked into a corner, and I feel like I can just observe what is happening around me. It’s more peaceful. And honestly, I’ll probably move seats once more before I leave. That’s just how I am.
How this affects me long term: I leap at the opportunities that put you into very different, faraway (both literally and figuratively) settings. We can learn so much from that which is different from us.
I’m a seeker. I’m always looking for enlightenment, looking for truth, looking for inspiration, looking for something more. I try to see God’s hand in everything. Let me tell you, this particular lens that I put on two years ago changed everything. The world has so much more purpose when you search for God’s fingerprints.
I am also an ardent searcher of myself. I value self awareness so much, and I think that this aspect of myself is what tips me over to an introvert at times. I have to take time out of each week to just sit and think and journal and be. It’s how I center myself and how I find peace. But this can sometimes this can lead to perfectionism. When you have had certain life experiences and been given certain revelations, I think you have a responsibility to bring these into your life and interactions.
God spoke to me through this song. I don’t need to be caught up with searching for the ocean when I have a river embedded in me. Oh, I know I have so much more that I can learn in life and in this job. God has given me curiosity and the desire for more for a reason. And it’s something that I know cannot be satiated in this lifetime. But God has also given me more than what I need for now. In that I can rest. I don’t need to lose myself in a search. In this case, I already have what I’m looking for.
And you know what? I believe with all my heart that these girls have a river deep in their eyes too. I’ve seen glimpses of it. I pray that God can help them see it too.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Trust.
Those of you who know me well probably know that I don’t like to admit when something is difficult for me. I have a tendency to suck it up, deal with the ensuing stress, and only ask for help in the most dire of circumstances. But I would be ridiculous to try and sugar coat this.
This job is hard.
I’m still very convinced that this is where God wants me to be this year. That isn’t diminished in this admission. But I am accepting that I have so many things to learn and become better at, and the road will probably be very stressful at times.
Over the past several weeks various staff I’ve worked with have reiterated a single concept to me: You don’t ever stop learning at this job, no matter how long you work here. I won’t lie, this is immediately intimidating to me because I feel like I have so many of the basics left to cement, and the idea that eventually I’ll have everything down pact is comforting. But there will always more to learn. And it’s worth it. The bigger part of me is invigorated by this. Remember, this is coming from the girl who loves school.
These past few weeks have been fun but stressful, interesting but sometimes frustrating. I spent the last two weeks in my position as a resident counselor, sans training or shadowing. Those two weeks were also summer break, meaning that the schedule was very different. The girls and staff got to do many different, fun activities. I got to go lazer tagging with two girls and then joined a full staff and all four girls on a mini trip up to Lake of the Pines for two nights for boating and relaxation and then spent a day at Raging Waters in Sacramento. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed seeing the girls out of their regular setting. I loved seeing them truly enjoy themselves at times.
Now we’re back to the school schedule, and today was their first day back. I had a heck of a time getting them out the door, and the “F you’s” and “F school’s” were flying. In the end, they were half an hour late. All to say that it was an interesting transition from this weekend.
I went home from Thursday to Sunday to see Breanne, one of my best friends, get married. I had such a great time with my friends, family, and boyfriend, but it was hard. I feel like I got to experience what every weekend could have been like if I had stayed down south this year. I won’t lie, that hurt for many reasons.
Olive Crest, a nonprofit in Santa Ana fairly similar to Advent, was all but offering me a position before I accepted my current job. If you were to ask me why I made the choice I did, I honestly couldn’t give you many concrete reasons. In fact, if I had gone by my personal pros and cons list, I probably would have stayed down south. But I knew that I was called to Advent. And I stand by that. God had captured my heart with this particular organization. He doesn’t make mistakes.
I was reading Habakkuk last night – random, I know – and was so struck. The book begins with the prophet Habakkuk crying out to God about all of the injustice in the world, wondering why God was seemingly remaining idle. God’s response: “For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.” Wow … Wow. It really took me aback, and honestly, when I think about it right now, it still does. I believe that what He said to Habakkuk is still true now. If we knew all that God was doing in us and around us and through us, we couldn’t possibly believe it. We don’t have that kind of sight.
In the midst of pain, of stress, of frustration, there is God. In the midst of learning, there is God. In every moment, in every breath, there is God. In tears and in laughter, there is God. There is God, who is doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.
This job is hard.
I’m still very convinced that this is where God wants me to be this year. That isn’t diminished in this admission. But I am accepting that I have so many things to learn and become better at, and the road will probably be very stressful at times.
Over the past several weeks various staff I’ve worked with have reiterated a single concept to me: You don’t ever stop learning at this job, no matter how long you work here. I won’t lie, this is immediately intimidating to me because I feel like I have so many of the basics left to cement, and the idea that eventually I’ll have everything down pact is comforting. But there will always more to learn. And it’s worth it. The bigger part of me is invigorated by this. Remember, this is coming from the girl who loves school.
These past few weeks have been fun but stressful, interesting but sometimes frustrating. I spent the last two weeks in my position as a resident counselor, sans training or shadowing. Those two weeks were also summer break, meaning that the schedule was very different. The girls and staff got to do many different, fun activities. I got to go lazer tagging with two girls and then joined a full staff and all four girls on a mini trip up to Lake of the Pines for two nights for boating and relaxation and then spent a day at Raging Waters in Sacramento. It was a lot of fun, and I enjoyed seeing the girls out of their regular setting. I loved seeing them truly enjoy themselves at times.
Now we’re back to the school schedule, and today was their first day back. I had a heck of a time getting them out the door, and the “F you’s” and “F school’s” were flying. In the end, they were half an hour late. All to say that it was an interesting transition from this weekend.
I went home from Thursday to Sunday to see Breanne, one of my best friends, get married. I had such a great time with my friends, family, and boyfriend, but it was hard. I feel like I got to experience what every weekend could have been like if I had stayed down south this year. I won’t lie, that hurt for many reasons.
Olive Crest, a nonprofit in Santa Ana fairly similar to Advent, was all but offering me a position before I accepted my current job. If you were to ask me why I made the choice I did, I honestly couldn’t give you many concrete reasons. In fact, if I had gone by my personal pros and cons list, I probably would have stayed down south. But I knew that I was called to Advent. And I stand by that. God had captured my heart with this particular organization. He doesn’t make mistakes.
I was reading Habakkuk last night – random, I know – and was so struck. The book begins with the prophet Habakkuk crying out to God about all of the injustice in the world, wondering why God was seemingly remaining idle. God’s response: “For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.” Wow … Wow. It really took me aback, and honestly, when I think about it right now, it still does. I believe that what He said to Habakkuk is still true now. If we knew all that God was doing in us and around us and through us, we couldn’t possibly believe it. We don’t have that kind of sight.
In the midst of pain, of stress, of frustration, there is God. In the midst of learning, there is God. In every moment, in every breath, there is God. In tears and in laughter, there is God. There is God, who is doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.
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