Two landmarks in my job happened this past week.
One: I had my three month Advent birthday on Wednesday. I am a quarter of the way through my one year commitment, and I feel like I have left the realm of “Advent newbie.” I have my three month review with my supervisor and senior counselor this upcoming week.
Two: I also had my first emotional breakdown on the job. I had to leave the room to cry and then put myself back together again. I feel like I had been holding out on this rite of passage for a while, and in a weird way I’m relieved that I finally let myself do that.
I had a very emotional week and felt like I got hit in several areas that I’m not very strong in. When I told a dear friend about this past week, her response was, “It sounds like Satan is hitting you in the areas where you’re more vulnerable. He’s getting you where it’s personal.” I think that pretty much nails it.
The only area that I feel comfortable sharing on here has to do with a very critical aspect of the job. As a resident counselor, I have the challenge of forming a therapeutic relationship with the clients in which we build up trust and form a safe environment for them to share and grow in, while also providing structure, discipline, and consequences for their actions. I’ve had many moments in which I find myself wishing I were a therapist. I would love to just talk with them and at the most have the occasional verbal confrontation in which I challenge a way of thinking or acting. I know that a therapist’s job entails much more than that – don’t get me wrong, mom and dad – but I would love to be able to get into the gritty portions of these girls’ lives through deep conversation without having to worry about how they will react the next morning when they discover that they are on red for the day because I took points for their misbehaviors.
Losing any aspect of a person’s trust is also something that is incredibly hard for me. Naturally, it’s different within this job, as I’m working with clients whose trust in me is constantly in flux, but it’s still hard. I had to make a report to CPS about something one of my clients had disclosed to me two weeks ago, and then this last week I had to inform my caseworker of something else she had told me and in turn her PO was contacted on the matter. This information could potentially affect her current acting family from getting custody of her. It hurt me to have to report it because she loves this family dearly, and it seems as though they’re amazing people with big hearts. From what I know, I really want them to be able to get custody of her. But there are also no secrets in this job for me. This girl was very openly angry at me the last day I was on shift and basically declared that she can’t trust staff anymore.
This was not the way I wanted things to go.
But how much control do I have over the things that happen in this home? I’ve come to realize that it’s not a lot. In NA terms, I am having to acknowledge my powerlessness. I am responsible for my actions and responses, but the rest is up to the other residents. And God. God is in everything here.
God works in such interesting ways. I had one of the most amazing heart-to-hearts with a new client. She has a very intense, sad, scary history. And she’s a very involved gang member. On paper I was rather intimidated by her report. In person, she’s someone I found I could connect pretty deeply with in a matter of just a few days. What’s funny is that the last gang kid who came to Summit also intimidated me on paper, but similarly, I was able to go pretty deeply with her and truly empathize with her. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be able to best connect with the gang kids in the group home. But I am … God, you truly astound me with your ways. Thank you for developing me throughout my life in such a way that this would be the case, even though I had no clue.
His ways are unexpected. But they are beautiful. His path is challenging. But it ultimately forms us. His peace is unexplainable. It is there in even the most painful circumstances.
Thank you for all of your prayers. My love goes out to each of you.
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