A piece of my heart.

Okay, so here's a little bit of random. I was reading Relevant Magazine's website today -- which some of you may know is the only faith-afiliated publication I would consider working for -- and I came across this article on OFFENSIVE ART and where it fits among Christians. This is a subject I am very passionate about because I believe that art in the Christian realm (visual arts, writing, cinema, etc) often strays away from very important topics for fear of being offensive. The end result is glazed over, void of emotion, and overall tame. Jesus was never tame. Our faith should never be tame either. As Christians, I believe we should be perpetuating truth, and truth isn't always clean. I won't get into my whole spiel, but I would always be down for talking about this over coffee.

One of my favorite articles I ever got to write involved a panel with three professors from Biola who I admire very much: an art professor, a cinema professor, and a human sexuality psychology professor. The two-hour Q & A session on the distinction between ART AND PORNOGRAPHY was one of the most enlightening interviews I've conducted. Check it out.

Our faith should be present in every aspect of our lives, including our artistic creations and artistic consumption. God and His truths are often discovered in some of the least likely venues. Our God who works to redeem and make beautiful has to first touch the degrading, pained, and dirty. Think on it.

Peace Out, December!

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I think sometimes I just don’t have the words. I wish I could paint a picture of what it’s like to live out days with these girls, but sometimes I just can’t. And other times I really don’t want to. Some things are too painful for me to share with just anyone. And some things are too beautiful.

This last month has been a hard one for me. The winter holidays always are. I saw it coming from miles away, but it still always hits me like a train wreck. It was thoroughly draining spending four days out of the week pushing my stuff aside to be there for my girls, and then spending the other three days being honest with myself, processing through my crap, and feeling some pretty tough emotions. I’m glad this month is wrapping up. Not that my life simply becomes pleasant again, but I’m on the way out of a particularly tough season.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot about setting boundaries in relationships and about the effects of different love languages. For all of you who don’t know, I’m words of affirmation. Like, hardcore words of aff. Letters are always appreciated ☺ I also think I might be time – but not in the expected way. I value so much how people use their free time. I feel so loved when people take time out of their busy days to call or send a note. And that’s how I show love too. It’s interesting to see how people with different love languages interact.

All of that being said. I’ve loved the last few months of work. We’ve had a full house – six girls! I was worried at first that it would be overwhelming, but honestly, it has so felt so right. I love the bustle of a full house. I’ve also cherished getting to know each girl in very different ways. There have been so many good conversations. My heart has broken for the girls many times, but it has also been lifted through seeing their resilience, their motivation to change, and their capacity for deep love. And there have been so many fun times! Ice skating, a Sharks hockey game, dance nights with Wii dance … sometimes this job is just about loosening up and having a good time.

I think I’ve established myself as a bit of a goof. Like, the sort of RC who will wake you up for school in the morning by sitting on the bed across from yours and singing a ridiculous, off tune, made up on-the-spot good morning song. Or the RC who will sprint across parking lots and stores with you when shopping time is shorter than preferred, just so you can get in all the shopping you need. Or the sort of RC who will randomly break out into dance. I love making these girls laugh.

Two of our girls have completed their programs and are moving out tomorrow. I’m so excited to see them get on with the rest of their lives because I really do have a lot of faith in them. But at the same time, I’m going to miss them both in very different ways. One girl has been there since before I started and provides a lot of stability for the house as well as a good example to the other girls of how to work their program. She’s absolutely hilarious, and I’m going to miss her wisecracks. She’s also pregnant with twins, and I cannot wait for her to have them in April! The other girl was short-term (only here for three months), but I got really close to her in that time. We had an instant connection, despite being very different people, and I’ve loved getting to know her. She’s very real, and that’s one of the qualities I appreciate the most in people. It’s been amazing getting to walk through some tough times with her and to see how beautiful her heart is. They will both be in my prayers a lot these upcoming months.

Our house is about to go through another season of change. I think that change always holds opportunities for growth, for the girls as well as for those of us on staff. But it can also be tough. In this case, it involves a good deal of loss in the form of two very special, loved girls. Please keep my house in your prayers.

A time for every purpose under heaven.

I have absolutely loved my job the last few weeks. It’s gotten crazy – we currently have six girls in the home – but the increased opportunities only make me want to be at work more. With six girls comes more drama, increased gang tensions, and in-home crushes. But I love each girl so much. I feel like I’ve had some amazing chances to connect with each of them over the last few weeks, and I know that I’m beyond blessed to be here.

A really scary situation happened on Monday. One of our girls has had an especially rough last month. She’s doing extremely well in our program and in her recovery and is consistently advancing, but certain personal circumstances are keeping her down. Despite repeated abandonment and painful situations throughout her life, she is one of the sweetest, most positive girls you could possibly imagine.

Another client began bullying her over the weekend, and it climaxed on Monday, ending with her running in the evening. Listening to another client yell this girl’s name repeatedly, her voice getting more hoarse and desperate with each scream, was heartbreaking. As I went through the run procedure -- searching the property and finally making a missing persons report -- it was all I could do to keep myself from crying. All I kept thinking was, “God, she can’t throw all of this away. She needs to be here. She’s so loved here.”

About 15 minutes later, she showed back up on our porch, only wanting to talk to me. We sat outside on the van’s hood, and she cried. She talked about how hard it was to be here and how she’d rather spend 10 months in juvenile hall than here. It was evident that her soul was so heavy and pained, and my heart broke for her.

The story ends well. She came back and is committed to staying. All I can do is thank God that she was compelled to return. She was surprised herself, saying, “When I run, I run. I don’t go back.” I know she’s supposed to be here right now, and I’m so excited to see how God works in her life. Seriously, that night and the next day all I wanted to do was hug her because I had been so afraid I would never see her again.

It reminded me to not take any of these girls here for granted. They could be gone in an instant when things get hard. I still miss my personal client who ran over a month ago. Her time here was so short. I’m just thankful for each girl is here. Today.

I’m getting so much more attached to the girls than I would have imagined. I receive so much joy working with them each day. They give me a fair share of grief and frustration as well, but the joy outshines.

It’s crazy to think about how I’ll only be in these girls’ lives for a limited period. After they leave here, I’ll most likely never see any of them again. That thought is so hard for me to comprehend. It forces me to trust that God is bringing these girls in and out of my life for a reason, that His timing is perfect even when it’s difficult for me. These girls are here for exactly as long as they’re supposed to be. He is working in their lives in so many complex ways that we’ll never know.

One circumstance this last week in particular absolutely warmed my heart. One of my personal clients was sharing in an NA meeting and talking about all of the hardships she’s dealing with right now. She then pointed at me and said, “But I have a great counselor who I can talk to about everything. She’s weird and funny, and we can always connect.”

My heart soared. That’s what I want to be able to do with each girl here: Connect. Meet them where they’re at. Show them even the slightest fragment of God’s love.

Let's get personal.

Two landmarks in my job happened this past week.

One: I had my three month Advent birthday on Wednesday. I am a quarter of the way through my one year commitment, and I feel like I have left the realm of “Advent newbie.” I have my three month review with my supervisor and senior counselor this upcoming week.

Two: I also had my first emotional breakdown on the job. I had to leave the room to cry and then put myself back together again. I feel like I had been holding out on this rite of passage for a while, and in a weird way I’m relieved that I finally let myself do that.

I had a very emotional week and felt like I got hit in several areas that I’m not very strong in. When I told a dear friend about this past week, her response was, “It sounds like Satan is hitting you in the areas where you’re more vulnerable. He’s getting you where it’s personal.” I think that pretty much nails it.

The only area that I feel comfortable sharing on here has to do with a very critical aspect of the job. As a resident counselor, I have the challenge of forming a therapeutic relationship with the clients in which we build up trust and form a safe environment for them to share and grow in, while also providing structure, discipline, and consequences for their actions. I’ve had many moments in which I find myself wishing I were a therapist. I would love to just talk with them and at the most have the occasional verbal confrontation in which I challenge a way of thinking or acting. I know that a therapist’s job entails much more than that – don’t get me wrong, mom and dad – but I would love to be able to get into the gritty portions of these girls’ lives through deep conversation without having to worry about how they will react the next morning when they discover that they are on red for the day because I took points for their misbehaviors.

Losing any aspect of a person’s trust is also something that is incredibly hard for me. Naturally, it’s different within this job, as I’m working with clients whose trust in me is constantly in flux, but it’s still hard. I had to make a report to CPS about something one of my clients had disclosed to me two weeks ago, and then this last week I had to inform my caseworker of something else she had told me and in turn her PO was contacted on the matter. This information could potentially affect her current acting family from getting custody of her. It hurt me to have to report it because she loves this family dearly, and it seems as though they’re amazing people with big hearts. From what I know, I really want them to be able to get custody of her. But there are also no secrets in this job for me. This girl was very openly angry at me the last day I was on shift and basically declared that she can’t trust staff anymore.

This was not the way I wanted things to go.

But how much control do I have over the things that happen in this home? I’ve come to realize that it’s not a lot. In NA terms, I am having to acknowledge my powerlessness. I am responsible for my actions and responses, but the rest is up to the other residents. And God. God is in everything here.

God works in such interesting ways. I had one of the most amazing heart-to-hearts with a new client. She has a very intense, sad, scary history. And she’s a very involved gang member. On paper I was rather intimidated by her report. In person, she’s someone I found I could connect pretty deeply with in a matter of just a few days. What’s funny is that the last gang kid who came to Summit also intimidated me on paper, but similarly, I was able to go pretty deeply with her and truly empathize with her. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be able to best connect with the gang kids in the group home. But I am … God, you truly astound me with your ways. Thank you for developing me throughout my life in such a way that this would be the case, even though I had no clue.

His ways are unexpected. But they are beautiful. His path is challenging. But it ultimately forms us. His peace is unexplainable. It is there in even the most painful circumstances.

Thank you for all of your prayers. My love goes out to each of you.

Bring Darkness to Light

I experienced my first run this week.

This last shift was filled with amazing highs and devastating lows. I saw God work a miracle in a girl’s life and experienced the fullest joy I’ve felt here yet. I also watched a matter of secrecy come to light, ultimately resulting in a police investigation and a girl running. All the while, these spiritual urgings and experiences served as a thread, reminding me of what we’re fully dealing with – nothing is simply on the surface.

My heart was broken for the girl who ran. She and I had been building a solid relationship in her short time here, and my heart went out to her in a way slightly different than with the other girls, probably because I could relate to a few distinct aspects of her story. She was able to come to me with a good amount of stuff, even things she was dealing with in the moment, and was the only girl to thank me for talking with her about certain things.

The morning before she ran she had to stay home from school because of the previous evening’s happenings, and when I told her the staff member who would be staying at the house with her, her response was “But Karin, can’t you stay with me?” And my response was honest when I told her that I wish I could have. I truly enjoyed her company.

The girls, the senior counselor, and I went to dinner at Taco Bell Wednesday night. This girl was particularly somber, and as I was trying to talk with her, I sensed how disengaged she was. The two of us sat down at a table, and she counted out how much personal money she had. She then looked up and looked me in the eye. “Karin, I’m leaving” was all she said and then she stood up and walked out the door before breaking into a run.

Her voice, that apology, will forever be imprinted in my memory. Her mind was made up, but I also sensed that she knew this decision would give her regrets in time. The road isn’t easier for her because of this immediate out, and I only wish she hadn’t chosen something that will hurt her. I hate not knowing where she is right now, if she’s safe, if she’s eaten a full meal today, if she had a comfortable place to sleep last night. I hate that I might never see her again. But I know that she’s God’s child, and He knows all of these details. He loves her infinitely more than I ever could, and I just have to give her life over to Him. He holds the pen to her story.

This work is a spiritual battlefield. I forget it so often because there are obvious reasons why these kids are here. Drugs. Abuse. Gang involvement. I forget to acknowledge that so many of them are literally sitting on a spiritual teeter totter: Their lives could go either way. They could embrace light and take on a life free from dangerous inhibitors. They could find real freedom and God. Or they could return to a life focused on themselves and their perceived needs – needs that ultimately limit and hurt them.

I was reminded of this throughout this last week. I consider myself to be fairly spiritually sensitive, especially to darkness. And I felt a lot of this during the last shift, especially with one girl. This might sound really extreme, but I think that the involvement of both God and of darkness is written all over her story.

One of my favorite verses has always been Job 12:22 : “He uncovers the deep out of darkness and brings deep darkness to life.”

God, I pray that you would do that with these girls – bring their deep darkness to light and then surround them with your truth and love. Use the Advent staff in ways beyond what we could ever imagine.

Tear Them Down

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted. And what a crazy few weeks it’s been. A girl was discharged for starting a fight. Another came out with her pregnancy. We got two new girls. I almost had a plate thrown at me on Wednesday — unfortunately, the poor phone and wall didn’t luck out like I did. In any case, the last two weeks were extremely stressful for me for various reasons.

In a way, I’m glad I didn’t blog last weekend because I wasn’t in a place to. I came off my shift last week absolutely exhausted and not wanting to be real with myself because I knew that would be even more exhausting. Walls can be tough to put up, but once you get good at doing that, it’s even tougher to pull them down. And that’s the process I’m currently working on.

Tearing down those walls.

Being raw.

It’s difficult to find that balance between allowing yourself to feel pain as well as protecting yourself. I’m working on it. Please pray for me in this area especially. Walls in the Bible have a tendency of being breached or demolished. I truly believe I can serve God better without mine.

These girls are teaching me so much. They are all such beautiful people, and I love hearing their stories and seeing bits of their hearts. I so cherish the moments when they’re vulnerable and open, whether it’s about abuse they’ve experienced, gang life and wanting to return to it, or even just missing someone in their lives. These girls are young. They’ve been through so much that I think I forget that sometimes. But I’m 22 and I know I miss my mom. How much more do they?

It’s not the sort of job in which you receive a lot of appreciation. It shows in the little things every day, and I try not to take those things for granted. But this last week one of the girls gave me this simple compliment during house group: “Karin, I compliment you on putting up with so much of our shit this week. And I encourage you to stay strong.”

It was a hard week, but to have just one of the girls recognize that too was all I needed to keep going.

I have no idea what to expect from this upcoming week.

But this isn’t exactly a job that you can prepare yourself for on a weekly basis now, is it? You have to be okay with not knowing.

In that sense, maybe you can prepare yourself – you can put that uncertainty in God’s hands. You can trust that He holds each day, each girl, each hurt, each word uttered in His weathered, perfect, holy hands. I’m not perfect at this by any means, but weeks like this last one don’t give me any other choice. And I want to become better at even trusting Him during the easiest of easy days.

Please pray for my house right now. We’re going through a lot of transition, and I pray that it will be for the best in the end. God has a purpose for everything.

A love that doesn't stop.

I went to Santa Cruz today with two friends from work, Mary and Jason, and our discussion over gyros turned into sharing our testimonies. I was telling them about how my faith did a 180 about two and a half years ago. God was the most openly evident in His love and faithfulness to me at the time when I deserved it the least, when I was not living like I should have been. Regardless of what I was doing, He was still relentless in His love for me and came alongside me and my pain. I was finally able to see that His love for me was not dependant on what I did or didn’t do. He loved me with perfect love always because He is God. When I finished telling them this, Mary replied, “And that’s basically what our job is.”

It’s only taken me a month and a half to see this.

Unconditional love is so crazy and so beautiful to me. I’ve only just begun to accept what that looks like coming from God. As people, we are obviously not capable of unconditional love, but we can try to get as close to it as possible and let God fill in the rest.

I came off of a very crazy week. Monday consisted of waking up to one girl throwing up before school, writing an incident report about misused medications, making a report to Child Protection Services about an unreported case of abuse, and having a new girl arrive. And that was just Monday. Tuesday consisted of a girl getting so mad at a decision I made that she literally yelled at me for minutes – best cuss-out session I’ve received yet – and then threatened to relapse because of me. That was also the day that a girl interrupted me mid-sentence to tell me exactly how ugly I was. I could go on, but I think you get the picture: This was not my most pleasant week.

But you know what? I left my shift still very much loving each girl and having their individual situations on my heart during this break. Either I’m crazy or God has a hold on my heart … I’m definitely going with option two.

This job is draining, but it is so worth it and is rocking my world and how I see things. Having a girl open up to you and tell you about how her gang involvement started at the age of 8 will do that to you. Having a girl re-processing a rape with you will do that as well. Having a new girl arrive, excited to not be locked up like she was for the past two months in the hall also will.

These girls are touching my life in so many ways, and I only pray that I can do the same for them. I’ve seen how my heart has changed since God showed me how much I am worth and how His love for me is fully unconditional. I know He can do the same for each of them.